I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
