U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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