Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
