I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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