So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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