My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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