where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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