I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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