Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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