Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize