Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
