Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
