When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
