You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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