I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
