I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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