Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
