Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
