haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize