What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
