I just pynch a tree in the face
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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