so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
