i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
