Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
