She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
