It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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