just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
