She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
