bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize