I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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