hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize