You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
