okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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