Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
