She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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