you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
