Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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