I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
