Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
