Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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