I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
