My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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