Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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