Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
