what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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