Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
