I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
only if we run a train.
done.
it was like eating out sand paper
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
