She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
