dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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