There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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