don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
