thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
