i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
