dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
