my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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